From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
