At least make sure they are 18
Why
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
