Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
