I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
