May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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