The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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