My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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