There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
soo... how was my night?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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