I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
