God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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