Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
