I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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