I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
