if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he shaved USA in his pubs
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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