I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
