I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
