Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
