Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Also, beer. Big fan.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
