insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
