Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
