I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
