i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
