I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
