My liver just broke up with me...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
