I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
