im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
