booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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