God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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