He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
