I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
