He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
