i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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