doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
