Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
