Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I still have a little drunk in my system
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
