I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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