FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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