Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
