Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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