Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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