clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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