we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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