If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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