Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
