What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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