Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You smell like stripper and shame
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
