Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you inspire me to be a worse person
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
