Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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