During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
and i looked up. we had an audience...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
