I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She's the barista slut.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
